👀 Well, hello there... 👋🏾

Dropping in to share and say, "hey"

It's been a while since I've been here. A big reason is that I haven't had the energy to write. I’ve also noticed that if I stop doing something for a while, I feel really anxious about returning to it. I’m still figuring out ways to work through that. But as Evelyn from the Internets said, “Don’t be afraid to be seen trying.”

So…cheers to trying again ❤️

Lately, I’ve been trying to get back to myself. At the beginning of 2020, I was making plans to be more active. I was googling horseback riding lessons, signing up for yoga, and trying to carve out time in my schedule to paint. I felt like I spent 2017 - 2019 super focused on my emotional well-being. I was feeling better about the progress I had made, and a convo with a friend reminded me that I couldn’t spend all my time trying to become a better person. I had to start living.

Then the pandemic started, and I had to put those plans on hold.

Then in 2021, I found out I was sick, and the excitement I had to try again was gone because I felt numb.

In 2022, I was still getting through treatment, and I was focused on starting a new career path.

Now it’s 2023, and I feel the same excitement I felt in 2020, but this time I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing 2016 me, but she doesn’t want to be caught, and for good reason.

Things I liked about who I was in 2016:

• I was super hopeful. Possibly a bit delusional, but being delusional has its perks.

• I had a large social network.

• I was always putting myself in new situations and challenging myself.

• I was less worried about being responsible. I was running off vibes. Pure vibes.

Things I don’t like about who I was in 2016:

• I was super hopeful and, at times, delusional to the point that I was hurting myself by not living in reality and adjusting my expectations of people and myself accordingly.

• I had a large social network and didn’t understand boundaries, so I was always allowing myself to be pulled in multiple directions and rarely saying “no” to others so I didn’t have to focus on myself.

• I was always putting myself in new situations and hopping from thing to thing, so I didn’t take the time to develop things as great as I could.

• I was less worried about being responsible, so things got chaotic.

As I write this, I’m reminded of a note I wrote myself a few years ago:

Sometimes we hurt ourselves because we keep trying to get back to a version of ourselves that no longer exists. We keep trying to put ourselves back into a box that we have grown out of or were pushed out of before we were ready to leave. Either way, we no longer belong there. And we have to move on.

So as I continue this process of discovering who I am and what I like, and how I like to spend my time, I look back at old versions of me and smile because I know she’d be proud of me.

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Book I’m Currently Reading

Get it here.