How to live in the present and create space for joy
musings on joy, fear and giving yourself the chance to live a full life
Hey Y’all!
Lol, It’s been a minute. I hope you all are doing well and that you’re enjoying the warm weather we’ve been experiencing.
Since last July, my book club has been reading All About Love by Bell Hooks. I’ve read the book a few times; it’s one of my favs. One of the best parts of being in the club is getting the chance to discuss the themes in the book and hear how other Black Women are learning to heal self-sabotaging behaviors so they can live more fulfilling and joyful lives.
In our last meeting, one of the women shared that she feared giving herself entirely to something she wasn’t sure would last. Her comment made me reflect on my relationship with detachment and how my misunderstanding of the concept made it difficult for me to live in the present and be vulnerable with people.
I used to think my attachment to people made it difficult for me to be in healthy friendships and romantic relationships. I was too attached to keeping people around “forever.” Too attached to the titles I gave others and the titles they gave me. But, the truth is, we get attached to people; it’s part of the bonding experience. It’s not a bad thing. The issues arise when we can’t detach from the anticipated outcomes we envisioned with people.
“We’re going to be friends forever!”
“We’re meant to be.”
“I just know this person is the one.”
“This has to be it.”
Imagining potential possibilities with someone is fun. It makes us hopeful. We’re excited about someone or something, and that’s beautiful. But, sometimes, that excitement can take us out of the present. Instead of bonding with someone based on what is currently happening, we bond with someone because of what we foresee happening or who we see ourselves becoming if his person remains in our lives. We start attempting to control the situation to make sure our vision comes true, or we willingly ignore things that show us what we envisioned is likely not to occur. Other times we get so excited that we scare ourselves out of a good thing. We start imagining how it can go wrong and decide to stop fully showing up to avoid being hurt. All of this puts us in a scarcity mindset.
Scarcity makes us think there isn’t enough of something. Not enough love, people, money, opportunities, etc. So, we either have to hold on tight to what we’ve found, or we shouldn’t attempt to hold on to anything because whatever we’re experiencing is temporary. Having a scarcity mindset cause us to miss opportunities to experience deep connections with people and experience joy. It can also make us attempt to control the uncontrollable. It’ll keep us stuck and make us play small because a scarcity mindset is based in fear.
The truth is, most things in life won’t last. And, that’s okay. Lack of longevity doesn’t equate to a lack of meaning. To be fully present in life means to be fully present in grief.
Pre-pandemic, I read the stories on Humans of New York regularly. One man shared the story of losing a close friend who helped him learn how to love himself. He wrapped up his series by saying, “I’m sad. Deeply hurt. But grief is a small price to pay for having had the chance to get to love him.” Whenever I realize I’m foreboding joy (Thanks, Brene Brown, lol) because I’m afraid of how something will turn out or the lack of control I have makes me not want to show up or try, I remind myself of his words.
Choosing not to get your hopes up or refusing to attempt something won’t stop bad things from happening. It’ll just stop the good experiences from flowing.
Not being in control doesn’t mean you’re in danger; it means you’re vulnerable. Being vulnerable is scary; you’re exposed. But, it also gives you the chance to be seen, loved, and connected—the things many of us want but, at times, are too afraid to admit.
Instead of wondering, “What if it doesn’t last?” or “How can I ensure this never ends?” try,
“How do I make the most of the time I have?”
“How do I remain present so I can appreciate this experience for what it is instead of trying to force it to be something because I’m afraid of what it ending, or not actualizing, says about me?”
Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, and surrender to life. You owe it to yourself.
This week’s mantras:
I’m not going to let fear stop me from leaning into things that feel good because I can’t predict if, and how, it’s going to end
I won’t keep choosing things that no longer align because I fear this is my last chance to experience what I’ve been hoping for. There is enough to go around—enough love, romance, empathy, friendship, opportunities, money, etc. My story doesn’t end here unless I force it to.
Journal Prompts:
What would you do if you knew you’d succeed?
What are you judging yourself for that you have no control over?
Write about the last time you felt proud of yourself.
Make a list of 10 healthy coping mechanisms you can use on hard days.
Quotes from my Current Read
I started reading The Law of Divine Compensation a few weeks ago after it was recommended by one of my favorite people on Instagram, natashalhelwig. It’s been a great read thus far. Read it here for free! Here are a few of my favorite quotes:
“Faith is not just a theological principle; it is a mental and emotional muscle. It is an aspect of consciousness, a function of the mind. With every attitude, we demonstrate faith—either faith in what can go wrong or faith in what can go right. Our problem if that we tend to have tremendous faith in the power of our disasters and far too little faith in the power of miracles.”
“But faith isn’t blind; it’s visionary. Having faith in a positive outcome doesn’t mean you‘re denying a problem or ignoring obstacles’; it simply means you’re affirming a solution.”
“The universe is programmed to manifest, through you, the highest possibilities for your creativity and joy. And, that never, ever changes. In God’s Mind you are never too old; in God’s Mind you are never inadequate; in God’s Mind you are not you resume or failures.”
“Putting love first means knowing that the universe supports you in creating the good, the holy, and the beautiful. It means knowing that you’re on earth for a purpose and that the purpose itself will create opportunities for its accomplishment.”
Thanks for reading! ❤️
-E
thank you for linking me in your post! I'm glad the book is resonating for ya! This mantra: I won’t keep choosing things that no longer align because I fear this is my last chance to experience what I’ve been hoping for. There is enough to go around—enough love, romance, empathy, friendship, opportunities, money, etc. My story doesn’t end here unless I force it to. SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE! I needed this today, thank you xo