"Don't be afraid to be seen trying"
how leaning into imperfection helps you tap into main character energy
I planned on living my life as a perpetual wallflower. It wasn’t the life I wanted, but I believed it was the life I was destined for. I wouldn’t set myself up to be critiqued by the world, I was critiqued enough at home. Being seen made you a target. The only thing that could thwart critique was perfectionism and I could never seem to tap into that, so I hid. Playing small was safe until it became a prison.
I was stuck behind a wall of potential. There were many things I could have been great at but I lacked the discipline and self-worth needed to keep trying. Instead, I used my gifts, time, and energy to help other people achieve their goals. There were times I wish I had their courage, but I was happy to help. Helping others gave me a purpose. It made me feel productive. It gave me something to do. I also realized that it made me likable. It gave me a friend group. It made people want to hang out with me. I planned to build a career around helping people but in 2018 something shifted.
I was getting to know someone and he asked me to share a few things that were making me happy. After I finished he got quiet. A few moments passed before he said, “that’s cool but all that stuff makes someone else happy. what are you doing that makes you happy?” My inability to answer that question made me sad.
A few months later I was promoted to Assistant Director of Marketing and Communications (ADMC) at my job. Before becoming the ADMC, I was a Resident Director—think Whitley Gilbert in Season 5 of A Different World. Working with students was fun but it quickly become overwhelming. Everybody needed my help and I hated it. My new position gave me a bit more work-life balance. It also gave me the special privilege of attending the department’s leadership retreat (I hope you caught the sarcasm in that lol). We were sitting around the table sharing what we loved most about our role. Everyone was giving a cookie-cutter answer. I was the newest person on the leadership team and last to share, so I prepared to follow their lead.
I was going to say, “I’m excited for the chance to be creative!”
Instead, I faced my director and said, “I’m happy my job no longer revolves around helping people. I’m tired.”
He smiled and thanked me for my honesty.
Looking back on it, I wasn’t tired of helping people. I was tired of making other people’s needs and dreams the center of my life. My lack of boundaries was depleting my energy. My inability to create goals and stick to them was keeping me stuck. I wasn’t fulfilled because I didn’t see value in prioritizing myself. I didn’t know how to center myself in my life without feeling guilty or selfish. I had a lot of learning and unlearning to do.
First, I learned how to practice giving with boundaries. People didn’t need my help. Sometimes, they expected and felt entitled to help, but they didn’t need my help. I used to think giving in friendship was based on the following framework: “I help you and you help me”. Except, people weren’t helping me as much as I was helping them. Playing the role of “rescuer” caused me to overestimate my value in people’s lives. It also caused me to create a home in friendships and romantic partnerships where I was welcomed because I was useful, but I wasn’t loved.
Those relationships were not sustainable, and many ultimately ended, because they were based on me playing small. Though I wanted to point the finger at those people when the relationships ended, my over-giving helped fuel the unhealthy dynamic.
Helping someone with the anticipation, and unexpressed expectation, of them helping you, or rewarding you with loyalty in return, is an attempt to get your needs met indirectly. The truth is, if you help someone, they receive help. Reciprocation isn’t a given. Mutuality in a relationship is beautiful. Once you receive it you treasure it because you realize it’s rare.
Being kind to others makes life meaningful. Being kind to yourself is just as powerful. As I began pouring more time and energy into myself, I started to believe that I deserved a full life. My dreams, needs, and desires are not more important, but just as important as everyone else’s. And, the only person who will consistently prioritize me and those dreams is me.
Giving myself permission to take up space as a flawed person still scares me. My inner critic always finds a way to fuck with me.
“This isn’t enough.”
“This could be better.”
“Eww. Who’s going to be interested in this?”
“Wait until it’s perfect.”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Why would anyone listen to you?”
When fear and shame entice me to slink back into hiding, I remember the wise words of one my favorite creatives, Evelyn from the Internets:
“Don’t be afraid to be seen trying.”
To take a risk means to try. To take a risk publicly means try, and potentially fail, publicly. But, that’s okay. Trying doesn’t lead to perfection. Trying leads to doing. Most people struggle or start somewhere they deem undesirable. Beyonce didn’t have fans blowing wind through her hair while she was on stage at her first concert. Jackie Aina was once known as “lilpumpkinpie05” and filmed videos on a poor-quality camera. Issa Rae shared her video series Awkward Black Girl on YouTube. Rhianna didn’t start as a fashion icon. Kevonstage was making comedy videos at church and daydreaming about being friends with Tim Chantarangsu while working at the bank. All of the people I previously mentioned struggled and failed on the internet as the world watched and critiqued. All of them kept trying.
You know how to encourage people when you see them trying. You know how to support people when they present as a work in progress. When are you going to extend yourself the grace and compassion you freely give others? When are you going to break out of the habit of rooting for others harder than you root for yourself?
Sharing my writing on the internet is one of the ways I "try" publicly. It’s helped me stop being a wallflower. It gives me a reason to root for myself and it’s the only form of creative expression I’ve continued since I started my self-love journey in 2017. Writing reminds me that I’m the main character of my life. I don’t need to be perfect to be the main character, I just have to be me. I’m enough and worthy at every stage.
Imperfection, grief, mistakes, and failure will be part of all our stories. Success and joy will inevitably be part of our stories too. But, to see how your story plays out, you have to find the courage to live out loud.
So, remember, “don’t be afraid to be seen trying”.
-E
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Needed this, today and every day. A model for the not-so-brave creative - thanks E 🤎
Thanks for sharing. This is my exact phase and I needed to read this. ❤️